Dark Mirror
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: Janeway steps across the line when she deals with a Starfleet Captain committing genocide JC, CT, PK, PT, N. This part is set during and after Equinox II
1. Chapter 1

**Part 15: Dark Mirror**

Summary:

Janeway steps across the line when she deals with a Starfleet Captain committing genocide (JC, CT, PK, P/T, N)

_Pairing:_JC, CT, PK, P/T, N _Rating_: PG-13_ Type of Story:_ Reflective _Level_: 3

* * *

**Part 15: Dark Mirror**

The ship rocked and Chakotay leaned against the bulkhead in his quarters to steady himself. He supposed it would make sense to find a better place to shelter during the fight. But he didn't want too. He had a fleeting vision of dying when a piece of bulkhead came flying. But he didn't care. What was important right now was that he die on his feet with some dignity. He knew he felt that way because he had been stripped.

He had never been relieved of duty in his entire Starfleet career. It seemed surreal to him and the events that lead up to it were painful…very painful indeed. Maybe that was the reason that he was looking through the viewport at the battle and trying hard not to think. Or maybe that was the reason why he was failing and thinking too much.

Another jolt rocked the ship. Chakotay was lucky that his quarters faced away from all key ship systems. From the feel of things, the Equinox's weapons were going right through Voyager's shields. And in that moment he panicked.

_What the hell was going on up there?_

Maybe he should say to hell with it and go up there and stop her by any means necessary. To take the step that she had left him no choice but to take. Or had she? He had left his insignia on the table in the conference room, walked alone off the bridge and back to his quarters. He could read the Bridge Crew's emotions as if there were signs on them when he did that. Those who looked up with surprise, looked down swiftly and the senior officers on the bridge looked surprised and scared at the same time. The Captain was in her chair when he walked out on the bridge and to the turbolift. He said nothing and she pretended that she was busy with something else. He walked right off the bridge, without a word, head held high and an inscrutable expression on his face. He wondered if any of them would have noticed that his insignia was missing. He supposed that some did.

He went back to his quarters of his own free will, with no guard. His phaser was in his quarters. He could stop her and a couple of times he had started to, but had stopped due to one question going through his mind over and over again.

_What happens after?_

What _would_ happen after? Kathryn had lost it. He didn't think that it was possible for her to act the way that she was acting now. He knew her; she was closest to him than anyone else on this ship. He knew that she was capable of a lot, but even he could have never thought that she would sink this low. Would they ever come out of it? Would they make it? What would it take for Kathryn to stop? The destruction of the half the ship, the death of himself? Of her?

And if they did come out of it what then? If he staged a mutiny, how would the crew take it? He couldn't and _wouldn't_ ask them to choose sides in this, and in the heat of battle? They were under enough strain as it was watching Kathryn sink deeper into the depths of obsession and watching the two of them pull away from each other. All of this after finding a Starfleet crew in the Delta Quadrant who had turned to genocide to survive and to do what they had also been trying to do; get home. Some crew would be broken by this encounter just like one of the Equinox crewmen when they found him. It would mean that if they ever survived this encounter, they would never survive the next one. The trust that they had struggled through for three years to build would be destroyed and they would have doomed themselves to die in the Delta Quadrant because they would have lost the ability to work together.

So he stayed in his quarters as the ship rocked again, hard.

Chakotay was thrown on the floor. That knocked some sense into him and he got up and went into the bath room and crouched in the corner furthest away from the outside bulkheads. He clutched his phaser, ready for anything.

The absurdity of the situation hit him. His ship was under attack, he was the second ranking officer on the ship and he was hiding in the bathroom of his quarters. Chakotay chuckled at that.

_My place is on the bridge at the Captain's side,_

_At Kathryn's side_

His place was at the Captain's side. Isn't that what he promised? And right now he wasn't the one fulfilling it, Tuvok was. If they ever made it through this, he was going to ask Tuvok, how he could stand by her and watch her act as irrationally and illogically as she had. He didn't understand how he could. There were 152 lives in the balance when you count the Equinox crew together with Voyagers', what about them? Who was looking out for them while one Captain chased a big white whale of a Starship across the Delta Quadrant?

Sitting crouched in the corner, he reflected on how he wouldn't have been surprised if Kathryn had done something like this during their first year together. Then it would have been no problem to have gathered the Maquis crew together and staged a mutiny. In the second year, he would have been a little surprised, but he would have still mutinied. But after the third year he couldn't, and he wouldn't. That was the year in the Delta Quadrant that really formed them into one crew. In the second year they saw it coming, especially during that time when they met the 37's on that planet. No one wanted to stay and build a new life in the Delta Quadrant, everyone wanted to get home and they began to believe that the Captain would get them there. At the end of the second year when they took back the ship from the Kazon and had successfully weeded out two traitors they were one crew; a Starfleet crew and a Maquis family.

Without the resources of the Federation behind them, the most Starfleet of the officers began embracing Maquis ways when necessary. And the Maquis having adequate resources began embracing the Starfleet way of doing things and adhering to protocols to ensure the efficient running of the ship. On either side, the transition was not easy, but they had done it and Kathryn had forged one crew that had made its mark on the Delta Quadrant as surely as the Quadrant had made its mark on them.

He had been so proud to be called a member of that crew and had felt so blessed and so gifted when they had become best friends and even in the past year a little closer than that; no maybe he should say that they transcended that. He admired so much in Kathryn, he saw in her a strength, an ease and a grace that she brought to her Captaincy. He had watched her grow into it over the years. But the raw material had always been there; her strength, her indomitable will, her certainty in her decisions and her actions; her acceptance of her Captaincy and the awesome responsibility it entailed, especially being here so far away from everything she knew. The Delta Quadrant polished off the rough edges and made her a Captain that he was proud to serve under. Kathryn never shied away from tough decisions and she accepted the consequences of all her decisions and actions even though no one from Starfleet was looking over her shoulder.

_Will she accept the consequences of her actions now?_

He didn't know what these consequences could possibly be at this instant, but he knew what he had saved her from before. The consequences of cold blooded murder. She didn't see it, she was so blinded by rage that she had shut down and shut out all dissenting voices. He knew that Kathryn was perfectly capable of having blinders, but not like this. The Captain that he was seeing, the Captain that was hunting down another Starfleet Captain, willing to sacrifice her crew and her one goal that had driven her for the past five years, the one willing to commit cold blooded murder to capture that other Captain, was a monster.

Chakotay shivered involuntarily as he remembered her face, so devoid of emotion as she almost doomed Lessing to his death and that same face as she relieved him of duty of duty. No Expression. When was the last time, if any, had he seen Kathryn without expression? He remembered he did once and the situation was just as alarming as this one was. Or maybe this was even more frightening than alarming because it didn't seem as though that expression broke. She had worn it from the first instance she had found out what Ransom was doing. Over the last two days, it did not change.

It seemed as though that Kathryn was so full of disappointment, hatred and rage that she had simply shut down. Her whole psyche could not take what was unfolding in front of her that she was operating under auto pilot, shutting down all her emotions so that she would, she _could_ keep going, hunting killing until the monster that she saw outside her self would be destroyed. She didn't see that if she continued the on the same path, in destroying the monster, she would destroy herself and her crew.

_Will Tuvok be able to stop that?_

Chakotay then realized that the ship had stopped shaking and racing to the window he was just in time to see the Equinox limp away from Voyager ablaze. A moment later, he saw the flash of light that signalled its destruction.

_Dear God!_

It was a prayer that came to his lips.

* * *

He paced. It had been 15 mins since he saw the explosion, he hadn't heard a word. Not from the Captain or from anyone else. Not knowing what else to do he took out his medicine bundle intending to contact his spirit guide. He didn't know what the crew was in for, what _he_ was in for now and he didn't know what inner resources he would need.

"Commander Chakotay, please report to the Ready Room"

_Commander_

As he made his way to the Ready Room, hope filled Chakotay from the first time since he found out what the Equinox crew had been up to.

* * *

Chakotay stood in front of her at attention. She had never seen him so stiff or so formal in a long time. Maybe since the first time that they joined crews in the Delta Quadrant. That was when they didn't know each other, before they had spent the last five years _together_ guiding Voyager home.

She supposed she looked the same way, but she was sure it was for different reasons.

Kathryn wasn't feeling. No, that needed correction; she wasn't _allowing_ herself feel anything.

_Was there a difference?_ She asked herself. Rhetorically, because she knew that there was an important difference.

"The Equinox has been destroyed and the aliens have called off their attacks. Only five members of the Equinox crew survived the engagement. Captain Ransom defeated a mutiny, arranged to have the five survivors, Seven of Nine and our Doctor who had been replaced by the Equinox EMH and piloted the Equinox away from Voyager in order to prevent Voyager from being damaged. I've arranged for the Equinox crew to be brought here for debriefing."

"I've put into the ship's log that I've reinstated you Commander, effective immediately."

"Yes Captain."

If Chakotay and the Captain were in better straights he would have whistled. But as it was, he said a silent prayer of thanks to the Spirits guiding their tribe. Compared to what could have happened, they got off easy.

The question still remained

_What happens now?_

"Now, we have to find places for the Equinox members to fit into Voyager's crew," Kathryn got up from where she was sitting and walked in front of the desk. If she wanted to acknowledge it, then she would have asked why he hadn't come fully in to the Ready Room. He still stood at the door way as if he was afraid that if he were to step in, then the darkness, the evil that had enveloped her, would envelope him.

'I would like them to be supervised at all times until such a time that I deem fit. This time they will have to earn their trust aboard this ship."

Kathryn heard her voice utter the words, but she held her emotions fully in check. She knew that the question he had asked was not about the Equinox crew, but about Voyager's crew and more importantly, Voyager's Command Officers. But she wasn't going to face that now, not until she was alone and sufficient time had passed. Not until she was good and ready.

She hadn't understood what he was asking. Maybe it was a good thing, because as much as he wanted an answer to his question, he didn't think that he was able to face what he had seen in Kathryn right now. Right now he wished that he could just put it all out of his mind and to go back to the way that it used to be before they even picked up that distress signal and knew that they weren't alone in the Delta Quadrant any more.

"Yes Captain."

"Janeway to Tuvok" Kathryn used her Combadge to call her Chief of Security.

"Captain?"

"Escort the Equinox crew to meet us in the briefing Room"

"Us?" She could hear the slight catch in his voice. If she had told anyone else, they would have claimed that she imagined it. But she had known Tuvok long enough to recognize it, it was the Vulcan equivalent of hope.

"I've reinstated Commander Chakotay."

"Understood, Tuvok out." Chakotay heard the slight pause in the Vulcan's voice also. He wondered if it was relief or disappointment. Kathryn knew it was the former.

* * *

"The last time we welcomed you aboard you took advantage of our trust. You betrayed this crew. I won't make that mistake again."

Noah Lessing was at the end of the line and as she made that statement she glanced up at him. An unbidden thought came to her.

_He shouldn't be here_.

And yet another.

_If it weren't for Chakotay, he wouldn't be._

For the sake of her own sanity, Kathryn was concentrating on what she was doing. She was beginning to feel and she knew that this was not a good thing. It could lead to reflection and to examination of conscience and for obvious reasons that was the last thing that she wanted to do. But she couldn't run from it forever and Chakotay's presence was reminding her of that.

He wasn't saying anything except what was expected of him and his expression was like hers, unreadable. But she wondered if he knew how much he said with his body language. Especially his use of distance. Three days ago, they would have been standing together without so much as two feet between them. Now he was keeping his distance from her. A whole room separated them as she spoke to the Equinox crew in front of the door as he was standing at the head of the table in the Conference Room. She knew it represented the chasm that had opened up between her first officer and herself.

Kathryn walked down the line again, calling each crew member by name as she did so. "Noah Lessing, Marla Gilmore, James Morrow, Brian Sofin, Angelo Tassoni: you are hereby stripped of rank. You'll be expected to serve as crewmen on this vessel. Your privileges will be limited. And you'll serve under close supervision for as long as I deem fit."

She looked at them all with fire in her eyes and with a deadpan voice. "This time, you'll have to earn our trust. Dismissed."

_Just as I have to._

And with that unbidden thought passing through her mind as they filed out with Tuvok behind them, Kathryn began to feel.

It was almost as if her mind realized that it was now truly over and it was time to rebuild so that the emotions could begin to come trickling through.

Shame was the first emotion that she experienced and she knew that she had earned it and deserved it. It wasn't overwhelming, but there. Her mind and her soul was still refusing to face the full consequence of what she had done; what she was going to do.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him moving towards her, following her out of the conference room onto the bridge. But the distance was kept.

_Just as I deserve._

Remorse joined shame. She tried to keep her feelings at bay a little while longer. There would be time for that later on. There were still other things…. "Repairs?" she asked softly, the emotions robbing her voice of its command timber.

"Coming along," Chakotay answered just as softly. Maybe his was marred by disappointment in her as his Captain and if that were true, she couldn't blame him.

"How's the crew?" Kathryn asked over her shoulder. They weren't the only ones who were affected by the events of the last three days, 143 crew members were suffering too. Especially those who had to watch, the ones who had seen the deterioration of their Captain with their own eyes.

"A lot of frayed nerves," Chakotay replied. _Ours included_ was a thought that he didn't put into speech. It was too soon. But an effort was being made…..for something, he just didn't know what. The lines of communications were still open, though small in number and distorted. They would have to do their best and muddle through.

_So far away from me…….as I was from him when he was calling me back and I didn't listen. I cannot face him_

"Neelix is organizing a potluck...to help boost morale." He didn't know why, but he felt had to keep this conversation going. It was critical.

"Will I see you there?" Kathryn asked, not daring to turn around. She didn't know that she should have.

"I'm replicating the salad," He answered her, his arms were open, a little outstretched with his statement. But the symbolism was lost on Kathryn, her back was still to him. However her whole psyche was screaming out for her to turn around, but she denied herself and for his part, he wasn't making the first move, because if he were honest with himself he really didn't know who this woman was. Was this his best friend returning from three days ago? Or was this the stranger who had pulled so violently away from him during her hunt?

"I'll bring the croutons," Kathryn said, her voice heartbreakingly soft. She sounded like his best friend, but he wasn't sure and he knew that he couldn't afford to be wrong.

She did turn to look then and as she did, she saw him standing there. The man who was always at her side stood with his arms down and he_ faced_ her; he stood waiting; open.

_What happens next?_

She _could not_ face him. She had to look down.

"Chakotay." It was her, she was back, but he was still cautious. Slowly he began to move towards her and he realized with surprise that she was moving towards him.

"Chakotay,...you know..." Kathryn struggled to get the words out. She swallowed hard before she could continue. "You may have had good reason to stage a little mutiny of your own."

That admission was the first step for her. And for him it was confirmation that his best friend was indeed on her way back, but there was still al lot of ground to cover. Chakotay was staring at her throughout her whole admission. He looked down at the end of it briefly. He was relieved. But he knew this woman, and for all of their sakes he had to make sure that she understood what she had done….what she was going to do. And as much as some part of him wanted to spare her the pain, guilt and remorse he was seeing on her face, another wanted to rub her face in it, to make sure that she never put the crew, never put their friendship in that situation again. But the part he listened to was the one that whispered gently, quietly to use the truth, not to wound but to _heal_.

Chakotay looked at her and his eyes never left her face, as hers wouldn't, _couldn't,_ face his. He chose his words very carefully. "The thought had occurred to me…but that would have been crossing the line."

_Yes Chakotay, I did cross the line and we both know it and I don't deny it. _

That was what her face said when she finally looked at him and knowing that he could see it, she shifted her gaze to the floor, and spotted an object she had never seen before on the ground. Chakotay followed her gaze to what had so captured her attention.

The ship's official plaque. _U.S.S. Voyager_.

"Will you look at that," Kathryn picked up the plaque and ran her hands gently across the insignia and the name. Her home, and her crew's home as they journeyed towards home. The ship that had carried them, and even nurtured them, through every thing in the Delta Quadrant. It had been badly damaged and still it hadn't given up on them. It had been there, tried and true. And yet its symbol was lying in a pile of rubble. Kathryn thought back to all that the bridge had gone through before, even when she had returned after being forced to abandon the bridge, she couldn't remember having to do this.

"All these years, all these battles. This thing's never fallen down before."

Kathryn wasn't so engrossed that she didn't realize that the distance between her first officer and herself was as it used to be.

Chakotay had been watching the Captain as she was cleaning the plaque. So much that they shared was symbolized by that plaque. It symbolized the ship that was their home and had facilitated the journey he was destined to make. Living on Voyager for the last five years had defined home within him and had placed Kathryn at the heart of that home. He gently took the plaque from her and they both studied it as he too ran his hand against the words: _USS Voyager._ They felt solid under his fingers. The plaque had fallen but it hadn't been destroyed. The lettering was still there and he understood what that meant.

_Did she?_

"Let's put it back up where it belongs." Kathryn looked at him and Chakotay did not miss the look of surprise and horror on her face.

She understood.

He moved gently pass her and was positioning it on the wall. As he was about to affix it on its official hangers, he realized that Kathryn was not with him.

"Kathryn?"

"Perhaps, I should leave this in your capable hands Commander." Kathryn said softly.

There was silence between for just a moment as Chakotay looked at her pointedly.

"I can't do this alone Kathryn."

Anyone else just listening to the conversation would have found this strange, but Chakotay knew that Kathryn understood _exactly_ what he was saying.

A fleeting look of gratitude crossed her face as she joined him.

Together they placed the plaque back in its rightful space.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as he entered, the first thing he saw was the Equinox five in a corner of the room. Members of Voyager's crew were in circles scattered throughout the Mess Hall, their relief palatable and made manifest in the noise level of their conversation. To the Equinox crew, Voyager's crew must seem daunting, perhaps they were wondering why the Captain had allowed them to come to the party after all. They were a constant reminder of what they all had just been through and the sacrifice that Voyager's crew had endured to get to this point.

But Tom knew the reason for their presence. Though the official reprimands had been given and their privileges were severely revoked, they were now part of the Voyager crew and they needed to really get to know one another because they would be serving together. And they didn't know it yet, but serving aboard Voyager would be their salvation. A way to make up for the wrong turns they had taken in the Delta Quadrant and a way to make it back home with as much dignity than they could.

Tom kissed B'Elanna on the cheek and whispered to her softly.

"I'm going to talk to the Equinox crew. You don't have to come with me if you don't want to." She stopped him by pulling on his arm.

"I want to." B'Elanna looked at him as she said it and Tom smiled sweetly as he led her to the group.

It would be her man to make the first move to make these outsiders feel welcome. He knew all about serving with a group of people who knew your unsavory past and were holding it against you. He used that knowledge to reach out to people who were in the same situation so that he could help make the transition a bit smoother. And he knew that the transition was going to be a difficult one, not only for the former Equinox crew members, but for everyone on board.

These were the moments when she realized why she fell in love with him.

* * *

"Would you look at that Commander," Neelix came up to Chakotay while he was helping himself to some food.

"I saw it on my way in" Chakotay nodded at the Equinox five laughing politely while Tom was talking to them, playing off of Tuvok who had walked over and joined him and B'Elanna.

"I was going to go over to them as soon as I finished putting everything out, they looked so alone when we first started. But Tom and B'Elanna beat me to it. I'm glad they did; they looked ready to bolt when I last saw them.

"It's not going to be easy on them, fitting into this crew." Chakotay remarked.

"From what I can understand from the bridge crew, rebuilding Voyager after this engagement is not going to be easy for any of us," Chakotay looked at Neelix with a puzzled expression "But I know that with you and Captain Janeway guiding us as you normally do, we'll make it. I have faith in that." Then Neelix did something strange. He touched the Commander's arm reassuringly as he went over to join Tom and the others. Chakotay smiled to himself, Neelix was right.

Chakotay saw Tuvok leave the group and approach the buffet table to help himself to some food. He decided that now would be a good time, but he didn't think that the mess hall would be a good place.

"Tuvok, before you eat, may I have a word with you privately?"

"Of course Commander."

They stepped outside the Mess Hall and found a darkened area of the corridor.

"I understand that things got very tough for you and the Captain in my absence."

"Captain Janeway was very focused during our encounter with Captain Ransom and the Equinox and at times she did sacrifice her logic to try and obtain her goals."

"I have to ask Tuvok, and you know you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Why didn't you try to stop her?"

"You mean lead a mutiny?" Tuvok asked and Chakotay nodded.

"Because I made myself a promise, a very long time ago, even before we got stranded here that I would be at Captain Janeway's side, as one of her most trusted advisors."

It was a few minutes before Chakotay spoke. "I made a similar promise to, Tuvok. After our first year of being here. I wonder…."

"If you let her down?"

"Yes"

"I understand she almost allowed crewman Lessing to be killed during one of the encounters with the aliens"

Chakotay nodded.

"Then Commander, I do not believe so. I have also never seen the Captain act is such an illogical, immoral and reckless way. I did not envy your predicament at that faced. I must admit, I do not know what I would have done if I were in your situation. Fortunately the Captain came to her senses before I had to make a choice."

"However, I would like to point out this." Tuvok continued. "I may have been the Captain's friend for a long time, but being Vulcan, I have not always been able to deal with Captain Janeway's emotional sensibilities. I am….pleased that you have such a close relationship with her, Commander. You are able to be her support in ways that I am not able to be given my nature. I believe that the Captain has grown into her role with both relationships to guide her and I believe that she will suffer if the nature of the bond that the both of you share were to change. And by extension, so would we all."

Chakotay could not believe his ears. His face was the picture of shock. Tuvok's face was, as it always was

"If that's all Commander?"

Chakotay managed to nod his head.

Silently Tuvok left.

* * *

B'Elanna had become separated from Tom as they moved about the mess hall talking to friends. And at one time she found herself alone on the couch watching all the other people around her. She was still a little frazzled by what she had witnessed on the Bridge. B'Elanna had always considered the Captain, a little larger than life and to see her act in such a manner was making her head spin with the implications.

She had watched the Captain the entire time on the bridge and could have sworn that she was watching herself. B'Elanna knew the rage that the Captain operating in because she also felt it in herself…often. A couple of months ago, she had watched another be so consumed by rage that he was intent on destroying anyone and everyone, including innocent beings as well the people who had destroyed him. Looking into his eyes, understanding his rage and communing with it made her realize that she didn't want to be carrying the amount of anger that she was at all times. And she had taken certain tentative steps to ensure that she wouldn't.

But her rage and that of the Vihaar, the Malon core worker who had been mutated by the Theta radiation of the Core of their ships, was red hot. When it exploded, things and people were harmed physically. Their rage was loud and disruptive. But the rage of the Captain ran white hot. It was cold and calculating, merciless and brutal and being on the Bridge, she understood more than a lot of people how it almost destroyed them all.

And that this incident had occurred in the midst of finding out that someone she had been intimate in the Academy with was a cold blooded killer. In the midst of finding out that human beings, Starfleet officers were capable of genocide in the name of survival. She didn't know what to think. The people who embraced the ideals that she had held up so high and had judged herself so unworthily to emulate, were not as perfect as she thought. What was the Captain going to do when she dealt with the aftermath of her rage? Would she be like B'Elanna was in the past and feed it by getting angry with herself and continue the vicious cycle? Or would the Captain deal with it constructively like she was trying to deal with it now? Would it be as hard for the Captain as it was for her? One person would be able to tell her for sure. But she couldn't ask, because as a private man, the one thing that Chakotay respected above all else was the privacy of another. But she would love to know.

And what about the Captain and her First Officer? Would the crew be in for another round of months of strained relationship as it was two years ago? She didn't think that she could stand that and she knew that the rest of the crew couldn't either. They had grown so accustomed to being a family and to know that your parents were fighting, especially the silent fights….

_Well on that thought_……

B'Elanna got up and made her way out of the mess hall.

As she was coming out, she ran into Chakotay on the way in.

"Whoa, what's your hurry?" Chakotay caught her by the arm in order to steady her.

"Nothing really, just wanted to take a walk."

"Not staying?" B'Elanna saw the lines cross his forehead. She smiled; he really was like a father sometimes.

"I think I'll go down to the Holodeck for a while"

Chakotay nodded and didn't ask anything more, but as he turned to enter the Mess Hall, B'Elanna asked impulsively,

"Join me?"

"Sure" Chakotay didn't hesitate.

Together they walked down the corridor to the turbolift. B'Elanna wasn't sure why she invited Chakotay to come with her. Maybe she just wanted to be in his presence for some time. Maybe it was just to remind herself that he was still there and still part of their journey. She didn't want to think about being on Voyager without him at his rightful place on the bridge. It was strange to hear Tuvok being the Captain's conscience and though she supposed that had been his function early on, it wasn't that right now, especially on the bridge. That role, that _right_ belonged to Chakotay and once he was there, then she knew that he would always be helping the Captain looking out for the crew. And by extension looking out for her.

Before he realized it, they reached the Holodeck. Chakotay looked questioningly at B'Elanna.

"Did you have anywhere in particular in mind?"

"Actually no. I guess I was going to decided when I got here."

"You mind?" He gestured at the controls.

"No, go right ahead."

"Computer run program Chakotay alpha 4."

"Acknowledged. Program in progress. Enter when ready."

It was a beautiful planet, almost like Earth, or maybe it was Earth. And from the look of the vegetation, and the feel of the atmosphere, it was Spring. But where it might have been pleasant for Chakotay, dressed as she was, it was a little too chilly for B'Elanna. She shivered a bit and rubbed her bare arms.

"Here" Chakotay removed his jacked and offered it to her and she took it willingly. They walked in silence for a little while each lost in their own thoughts until they came to the end of the path. There in the clearing was a log bench which overlooked a valley. B'Elanna imagined that the view was quite breathtaking at sunset as the valley and subsequent hills would form the perfect backdrop.

Chakotay motioned her to the bench and they sat. B'Elanna tucked her legs under her and Chakotay turned slightly towards her. Something was troubling her and though she had planned to walk by herself to let her thoughts come out, she saw him and invited him along because in truth she wanted to bounce this off of him.

"Want to talk about it?" He enquired.

"Well that's different from the last time something like this happened."

"What are you talking about?"

"Two years ago, when we had just entered Borg Space." Realization dawned on Chakotay and for one brief moment he wished that he hadn't joined B'Elanna. This was something he didn't think he was ready to talk about.

B'Elanna was looking at him now and she saw that he was decidedly a little more uncomfortable when she made that statement.

"I remember during that time you were so angry at the Captain that I was the one who got yelled at."

Chakotay gave a fleeting smile. He did remember. "It's different this time, B'Elanna." He said gently, but the expression on his face was a serious one. At that B'Elanna said,

"Yes it is Chakotay. I have never seen the Captain so angry, so consumed, so possessed by rage. There were times when I thought….this was it, we were done for. Do you know how long it's been since I've felt that way. Actually…" B'Elanna smiled ruefully. "The last time was when we entered Borg Space."

She looked amazed at the revelation. Chakotay wasn't

"I missed you on the Bridge the most during the last battle" Chakotay nodded and this time here was a faint ghost of a smile playing on his lips. And they were silent for a little while longer. B'Elanna looked down and began tracing a pattern out on the wood of the bench. She started to say something and then stopped, unsure of herself. But then with a look of resolve, she fixed her eyes on him and continued to speak her mind.

"I know that I've been angry at the world a lot and I've always thought that my anger was the worst because of my Klingon side. The fact is that I've always fought it, I've always fought myself and I know Chakotay that I've come close to letting my anger consume me. But it was nothing like what I saw in the Captain. Or was it? Chakotay, she scared the crap out of me. Is that how I come across when I'm angry? I mean, I know it's different. I get loud while the Captain gets quiet, but are the effects the same?"

"And if they are?" Chakotay gently prodded.

"I'm going to have to step up my efforts to do something. I never want a member of my Engineering team to feel the way I felt on the Bridge."

"Well then I guess that what we went through wasn't in vain, if you've come to that conclusion."

"I still wish it didn't happen, especially if Voyager's top two Officers are going to be the way they were last time. Because if they are, then I wish that I had never laid eyes on the Equinox and we were still alone in this stupid quadrant."

B'Elanna said it with such conviction that Chakotay was slightly taken aback. What happened on the Bridge had affected B'Elanna deeply and with that he was beginning to believe that it would be affecting all the Senior Officers in the same manner.

"B'Elanna," his hand covered hers. "I know that it seemed bad, but it's not like the last time. And to answer your unspoken question, the Captain and I are _OK, _I am still the First Officer on this ship.' He said this with a smile as a way to diffuse the tense situation.

"That, in and of itself, is not enough and you know it." B'Elanna looked directly at him and her intensity caused his eyes to look downwards.

"Don't give up on her Commander for all our sakes."

As she uttered those words he did look up. B'Elanna had an almost pleading look in her eyes. The scrutiny of each other's gaze lasted for about a minute before B'Elanna said,

'I think we'd better get back. Thanks for the coat."

Chakotay called for the exit as she gave him his coat, and he shelved the New Earth program for another day.

* * *

"Harry, have you seen B'Elanna?"

"I saw her leave with Chakotay."

Tom's brows furrowed not only because of the information that he had just heard, but also because of the manner that Harry had relayed it. It was something stated as a matter of fact with an edge in his voice and Tom knew why. Through both of their minds the thought…

_Not again _

Ran through.

They had been here before. But unknown to Harry, a different thought was running through Tom's mind and it was one he knew he was going to act upon. He just had to figure out how.

He clasped Harry on the back and said earnestly. "We made it Harry, remember that and we're going to be OK just like the last time." Harry looked a little puzzled before he realized what Tom was talking about.

"I hope you're right"

"I know I am." He communicated his commitment through his eyes for a moment and then his gaze fell a little left of his shoulder onto the Equinox five.

They were still together, but the Doctor, Neelix and a few of the other junior officers had been drawn into their circle. He had noticed throughout the night that some of the crew, who would normally mingle freely among strangers kept their distance. But that was to be expected. What was important was that the senior members of the crew did make an effort to show the former Equinox members that they were expected to become part of this family; especially the two top Officers.

"Why don't you go and talk to Tassoni. I heard that he's a great hoverball player."

"Really?" Harry's eyes lit up at that and he started to move towards the group. He stopped before he reached three steps away from Tom.

"Thanks"

"Anytime." There was a smile on Tom's face.

Tom walked outside the mess hall looking for B'Elanna. He had been eating and talking to Gerron and Chell for an hour when he realized that she hadn't come back. As he stepped outside, he saw B'Elanna and Chakotay coming back from wherever they went. Chakotay was whispering something to her and she laughed out lout. He was smiling also watching her with amusement. Tom tried to, but he couldn't keep it down. He felt pangs of jealousy at the sight of the two of them and it darted across his face before he could force a smile on. Both B'Elanna and Chakotay saw it.

Chakotay realized what was going through the younger man's head and he moved to allay his fears even though they both knew that they were irrational.

"Looks like someone missed you…….Don't mind me, Tom. I just needed to borrow my friend for a while."

"As long as she didn't mind, then I don't."

"I didn't." And with that B'Elanna went straight into his arms and kissed him.

"If you'll excuse me……." Chakotay said to no one in particular, grinning. No one was listening to him.

"Harry, how are you?"

"Fine Captain and you?"

"We've been through a lot in the past few days, but from what I can see we'll be just fine."

"I was just talking to some of the Equinox crew about their other experiences in the Delta Quadrant and what it was like serving under Ransom. The strange thing is they all had a healthy respect for Ransom and somewhere down the line they lost it, even before they ran into these aliens."

"They may have had reason to. I think that Ransom was sliding down a long time before he made the decision about using the aliens for fuel."

"One thing these members of the Equinox do agree on though, is that Max Burke was no help to him."

"They told you that outright?"

"No in so many words, but I could read between the lines."

"You know Captain, they made me realize how lucky Voyager's been. Not so much in the races we've encountered or experiences we've had, but in the fact that you and Commander Chakotay have been guiding us through our journey in this Quadrant."

"Oh?" Kathryn's face was neutral.

"I get the feeling that if they had a First Officer like the Commander, maybe they would have made it, but even if they had perished, they would have never lost their souls in the name of survival."

"Really?'

"We've been lucky,….I've been lucky to serve under two people whom I respect greatly and who have given me good example of how to command others."

Kathryn stared at Harry, who suddenly looked uncomfortable after saying what he had to say.

"It you will excuse me Captain, I think I'm going to get something to eat." And with that he was gone leaving the Captain alone with her thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

"Having a good time Captain?" Tom asked the Captain as she stood by herself momentarily when Henley excused herself.

"Actually yes." Janeway smiled but Tom could see the fatigue in her eyes.

"I'm glad. Things were a little too tense today for a while." Tom mused. Kathryn looked at him sharply. _Not another one_. Tom had something up his sleeve and she knew what it was about although she didn't exactly know what it was.

"Yes they were." She said simply.

"I'm glad the former Equinox crew members came tonight, it will give us a chance to get to know one another a little better before we start serving with one another. Whose idea was it?" Tom asked, a little too innocently in Kathryn's book. She decided to let this play itself out. She was too curious to do otherwise.

"It was Chakotay's," Tom laughed at that. "Figures, that guy is way too predictable and boring at times, yet it would be hard to imaging this crew without him as the First Officer. No offense, but given a choice between Tuvok and Chakotay, I prefer Chakotay anytime, him I can get to."

Janeway put on one of her more famous looks and smirked at him.

"Oh I don't know, I think you do a very good job at rattling Tuvok"

"I wonder if any of the Equinox crew gave Ransom or even Max Burke a hard time. I bet it would be Sofo. He has a twisted sense of humor."

"Oh?"

"If you don't believe me, go over there yourself and see."

Kathryn now looked at Tom directly. He was the picture of innocence. She wondered how he managed to keep that look with a straight face when she felt she was being smacked upside the head with a wet noodle.

"I think I will"

One thing Kathryn had to give Tom credit for was that she didn't know if the point of the conversation was to make her realize how happy people were to have Chakotay as a first Officer, or to see beyond what the Equinox crew did in the Delta Quadrant for the sake of integration of the crews……..

Or both.

* * *

"I have a really good Hoverball program. If we have time off together, we should play."

"Yes sir," All of a sudden, Tassoni seemed to come to attention. As he was glancing over Harry's shoulder, Harry turned to see who was responsible for the change of the crew man's demeanor. He wasn't surprised to see the Captain standing there. All the others from the Equinox seemed as nervous as Tassoni while the Captain was standing there watching them with one of her unreadable expressions.

"If you will excuse me." Harry got out of there. He felt bad for leaving the Equinox crew alone with the Captain, but quite frankly he didn't want to be there. He had enough of the clashes between the two crews when the Captain was present.

"At ease all of you." They tried to relax, but Kathryn could see that they were not quite making it.

"I'm glad to see all of you here. I know that it was a request and you're probably only here because you feel like you dare not disobey even that, but it's important that the rest of the crew get to see you and to interact with you because you will be working closely together. Out here, we depend on one another and I know in time, we will be able to depend on you after you earned our trust. I have reviewed each of your files. You were fine officers. I expect that time to be short. Is that understood?"

"Yes Captain." There were looks of relief amidst the looks of puzzlement. But Kathryn knew that they would eventually get used to her as they did their former Captain.

* * *

"Hello Commander"

"Gilmore, how are you enjoying it?"

"I must admit, when you first asked me to come, I was a little unsure of how this would be. But people have been pretty tolerant. Especially the senior officers."

"They're a fine crew and I expect that one day we will be proud of you all as part of that crew."

"You're talking about the Captain and yourself aren't you?"

That surprised Chakotay. He hadn't realized that he had said "we" until Gilmore pointed it out to him. So even now, even to those who just met them, they still functioned like one united command unit. More than that, he still considered himself a part of the royal "we" of Voyager. This remark coming after he had spoken to Tuvok and B'Elanna, Chakotay had felt as if he were being hit over the head with a rubber hammer as far as how well his relationship with Kathryn worked for the crew and individual members of that crew.

"Yes, I am."

"You and Captain Janeway are an interesting team. The crew talks of the two of you as a unit, but it is obvious who the Captain is even if she wasn't called by rank. And they talk of you fondly as a First Officer, except when it comes to ship functions and duty, then the respect and the authority as the First Officer comes into the play. It was very different on the Equinox."

"How so?"

"Rudy and Max were very different. Sometimes we'd wonder who the Captain was. Rudy was never the same after we encountered the Krowtonan guard. We lost over half our crew during that encounter and I think after he started doubting his ability to lead us. He gave the order to keep going when we found out that we had violated their space. After that, he seemed to rely more and more on Max for support and deferred to him. Until the end. I think that meeting Captain Janeway, seeing how well all of you have feared after years of travel, made him start remembering who we are and what we were supposed to be. It was good to see our old Captain again even if it was for a short time."

They had been facing the viewport and while she was speaking, Chakotay could see her eyes reflected in the transparent bulkhead off the blackness of space. They were full. All of a sudden Gilmore caught herself and turned suddenly to face him.

"I'm sorry Commander. You must be sick of us already, I didn't mean to……."

"Don't worry about it Gilmore. You all have been through a harrowing set of experiences here in the Delta Quadrant and have done terrible things in the name of survival. I expect all of you will need to talk about what you have been through. We don't have a counselor on board, but the Doctor is neutral and I would recommend, Neelix or Ensign Parris and Kim and my door is always open if you need an ear."

"The crew says that about you to Commander. They say you've helped a lot of people through difficult times, including the Captain. I just hope that you don't think that any one of us is beyond redemption."

Chakotay smiled at that. "No, I don't."

"Chakotay."

"Kathryn."

The use of the first names did not escape Gilmore, but she noticed it was the only time that she had heard Captain Janeway called by her first name to her face. And it had been spoken by her first officer.

"If you will excuse me." Marla left them with that.

"I was about to head out, so I wanted to say goodnight."

_No, you didn't _

"I'll walk with you."

"Thank you." There was a look of relief on Kathryn's face. It confirmed Chakotay's suspicions.

"How's Gilmore doing?"

"She's OK."

"It looked like the you two were having an intense discussion back there."

"She was just talking about her experiences aboard the Equinox and how much different it's going to be here, especially in terms of leadership and authority. It seems that you and Captain Ransom are a lot different in the way you command your crew."

Kathryn made a face. Chakotay did not miss it but decided that he wouldn't press the issue. They were on shaky ground as it was. If she wanted to say something, then he would leave it up to her.

They walked along in silence. It was punctuated by the given commands to the tubolift, but it wasn't as easy or as comfortable as it used to be. When they reached the Captain's door, he found that Kathryn had trouble looking at him. He was puzzled at that, she seemed to do fine when they were in the Mess Hall, but he realized that it may have been because there were a lot of people around. Maybe she felt that now that they were alone, he would be waiting for an explanation, or maybe she just felt that one was needed in order to keep the lines of communication open between them.

He put his arm on hers briefly and finally she did look up at him.

He read her indecision, her confusion, her shame and her disappointment in herself, on her face. But until she gave him more to go on, there wasn't much else he could do.

"Goodnight Kathryn." He gave a small smile and then left


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn sat at her couch looking through the viewport. Her thoughts were swirling around her head. All during the party, she kept thinking back to the events of the past few days and a battle was being waged in her head. All the _could of_'s were running around the _should _of's battling the _is_'s. For the first time in her life, Kathryn found that she couldn't not gather her thoughts. She needed to talk it out, but it seemed to be a vicious catch 22. She needed to talk it out, but the one person whom she could talk it out with was the one for whom she needed her thoughts most ordered.

Kathryn got up and faced the viewport.

"Computer begin recording, visual as well as audio."

_Personal Log, Kathryn Janeway: _

_Thinking about this is getting me nowhere. The events, thoughts and the feelings are going round and round my head with no end in sight, with no resolution. I stepped across the line the line yesterday and the lives of two crews hung in the balance. And that's not all. The relationship between myself and my First Officer also hung in the balance. We were divided over this …again. It seems to be our fate to encounter situations like that. I wonder if other Captains find themselves facing situations when the Captain and First Officer disagree on what's the best way to proceed. Maybe it's just us. Maybe it's just the nature of who we are._

_Chakotay is my best friend. There is no one on this ship who I trust more, with my life, with this crew. He is one of the best officers that I have ever served with and I know that if something were to happen to me, the crew would get home under his leadership. He would take a little longer than I would like, but he would get them home. Tuvok, who is my oldest friend on board, has accused me more than once of being reckless. When the time warrants it, Chakotay lets me be. But he covers me by ensuring that we are as protected as we can be against all contingencies. When it comes to the safety of this crew and my own safety as we journey, Chakotay is vigilant, especially when the danger is coming from within. No matter what we have been through, I have always known that Chakotay has kept the promise that he made to me when we first entered this Quadrant. He is with me **Always. **I act at all times with that assurance from him. We both know that this doesn't mean that we will always agree, but he will not undercut my authority as the Captain. But I have always known that no matter what, Chakotay will always act in accordance with his conscience even if it means challenging me. And yesterday, he had to._

_How did it get to that? What was the sequence of events that lead us to the point of no return when we had pulled so far apart from each other that my only option left was to relieve him of duty? With all of the situations before, one in particular, I stopped just short of doing that. No, that's not right. He told me that he would follow my orders during the first encounter with the Borg in their space. In this case, he challenged me and made it clear in no uncertain terms that he would appose me. So I had no choice but to strip him of rank. But when, where, did I have the choice to prevent it from coming to that and how did I miss it?_

_Maybe if I start at the beginning._

_Five days ago, we received a distress call, a Federation distress call in the Delta Quadrant, from Captain Ransom of the Equinox. I knew him, he was one of my early Federation heroes. He had accomplished something in his lifetime that most people only dream of. He had made first contact with the Yridians. Even the Borg considered them extinct. He was an excellent scientist, but more than that, he was alone in the Delta Quadrant and that was something I could relate to and I wanted to talk to him face to face about our experiences in this Quadrant. I had been so alone in my Captaincy since being stuck in this Quadrant, to have another Captain to commiserate with seemed like a dream come true. I couldn't wait. I just prayed that we wouldn't be too late._

_We weren't, and we found them in them in the middle of an alien attack. We were able to defend them and secure both ships. When I went to his ship as part of the rescue effort, I was amazed. I didn't think that Voyager had ever been so damaged in our entire five years in this Quadrant. And I could see that the damage wasn't recent. Some of the debris looked old and others looked as if they had just fallen. One thing I knew after that visit; of the two crews, Captain Ransom's had the harder journey. I felt almost guilty then. Voyager was pristine compared to the Equinox, and it looked as if it came right out of space dock to rendezvous with them. The feeling continued throughout the memorial service; five crew men lost in one attack. Not even in the worst fire fights with the Kazon did we lose so many of our members at one time. _

_What struck me was the attitude of the remaining Equinox crew members at the Memorial service for their fallen colleges. Captain Ransom sounded casual and the crew members seemed to be equally bereft of shock. It seemed almost as though they had expected that people would be killed during the encounter with the aliens, or maybe it seemed as though they had held so many of these services that the emotional resonance that normally accompanies them was gone.. Maybe they had been under constant attack for so long that they had resigned themselves to their fate a long time ago and it would take them some time to hope again. _

_We set out finding all that we could about the aliens that were attacking the Equinox and why. I think it was then when the knot in my gut started. Ransom seemed to allow Burke to be the one who spoke for Equinox. And the way that Ransom and Burke addressed each other, I must confess that I had begun to wonder who was really in command given the nature of their conversations. _

_When we went back to the Equinox and began working on the Bridge, I asked Ransom about the familiarity that seemed to exist between himself and his crew. He dismissed it saying that they had been through too much in the Delta Quadrant to stand on protocol; although he did point out that I seem to run a tight ship. I found out that he had lost half of his crew during his first week here, by attempting to cross and alien's space without permission. That got me. I don't think I can remember how many times we've sneaked across alien territory. I never lost half my crew. It would have been a bitter blow for me to and for the first time I began to understand what it must have been like for them. No wonder they were close. There were so little of them to begin with and after that loss, they must have clung to each other that much more._

_Ransom told me that when he first started the journey home that he had told his crew that they would function as a Starfleet crew seeking out new life and new civilizations as they journeyed home, but as the time went on they began abandoning principles as well as protocols. They forgot that they were scientists and explorers and there were times when they forgot that they were human. He sounded so desolate, I reached out to him. I reminded him that the Equinox was a Nova Class ship and that he should take pride in the fact that he had made it this far on the resources that he had._

_Then he asked a question that got my gut going again._

_How many times have I broken the prime directive in the name of protecting my crew?_

_My response was quick and sure. "Never, but I have bent it on occasion."_

_I must confess, I don't know if my gut was churning because I was realizing that there was something going on aboard the Equinox or the fact that if someone else would review the evidence from my journey, they would find me guilty of violating the Prime Directive. The distinctions that I've made in interpretation were slight, and all of the incidences fell in the grey area of the general order number one. However I know if my former self from five years ago was sitting on the judgment seat of that court, I would be found guilty. So who am I to judge? The Prime Directive has been bent not broken in my case and I was sure for Ransom it was bent during the same sort of situations. He's a Starfleet Captain. Things may have been bad, but not as bad as the picture that he had painted. _

_Little did I know._

_When it came down to crunch time, I knew that we couldn't salvage the Equinox. I hated to ask Ransom to surrender his vessel, but we were talking about our survival at that time. There simply wasn't enough resources to field off attacks on both ships and since Voyager was the ship in the best conditions to support both crews it made sense to sacrifice the Equinox. He fought, he didn't want to let his ship go, just like any good Captain wouldn't, but I couldn't understand why he would want to fight that hard for a ship that was almost a derelict._

_Until later._

_He was murdering innocent life forms just to get himself home faster. This wasn't just a violation of the Prime Directive. This was genocide. A Starfleet Captain, sworn to uphold the same oath and to act under the same principles that I have, was committing genocide to serve his own purpose. The man who had discovered new life for the benefit of the Federation was slaughtering it to get himself back home. He was reprehensible. The excuses that were given; how he started out investigating the life form and only when he accidentally killed it, he found out it could be use for fuel. And because he was starving and his ship was half destroyed, he decided continue hunting them down and murdering them. Those excuses made me want to lash out at him, to knock him down. Or maybe that wasn't the motivation. Maybe I wanted to stop him from talking because every time he opened his mouth he scared me. He started this journey as a Starfleet Captain in charge of a group of explorers and scientists. They swore to uphold their Starfleet principles no matter what. But the Delta Quadrant threw them the same challenges that it threw our way and in the end, they abandoned everything they were including their humanity. They had set out with literally one quarter of the resources that Voyager had, and in the beginning made the same choices that we made and yet they ended up starving and dying. Then they started making decisions in other situations that I would have **neve**r made. I have to ask myself. Did I make different choices in those same circumstances **only** because I had more resources?_

_Because of my obsession of getting Voyager home I have almost gotten us assimilated, I have allowed the ship to be destroyed and I am probably only here because two of my bridge officers changed history in order for my crew to survive. I have made some decisions to cross enemy territory that some of the crew paid for with their lives. I know that principles have been compromised and there have been times when protocol has gone out the window. I was on that slippery slope that led to the chasm that Ransom had fallen into. I have been lucky. If I had not been, would I have made the same decisions that he did? Would it be possible that I, as a scientist and an explorer could become a mass murderer given time? Questions that were beginning to form in my gut and maybe if I had time to listen to them and to separate the image of myself from that of Ransom in my own dark mirror, I would have done better during this crisis, but as usual there's never any time for such things when you're under attack._

_And we were under attack from then until the nightmare was over. _

_When I found out what Ransom was doing, I was hard on him because he was doing yes, but also in my mind there were way too many similarities between us and I felt I was looking at myself after travelling on the road not taken. But then he did something that placed him firmly on the side of evil in my mind. He stole our only weapon to fight the aliens, who we had never provoked, and he left me and my crew to the wolves. He treated a fellow Starfleet Captain and her crew in the same manner that he treated this life form in the Delta Quadrant; as fuel to get him to where he really wanted to go. From that moment on, he became the enemy to be hunted down and captured by any means necessary. All possible sympathy and understanding for what he had lived through were gone at that moment, never to return._

_When Chakotay first suggested trying to get in touch with the aliens, I dismissed it. In my mind, if we found the Equinox and apprehended the crew, the aliens would see that we had stopped Ransom, and punish his crew for what they had done, and call off their attack. I actually had visions of destroying the ship so that they would understand that they would never be hunted like that again. Luckily for us, we were able and willing to do both at the same time at that point. But when the communication failed and Chakotay wanted to try it again. I put my foot down. We needed to find the Equinox. Once we did, the aliens would stop their attack._

_He followed me to the Ready Room and pointed out how much I was lying to myself. Oh, I gave the usual excuse; how finding the Equinox would stop the alien attacks and we would be able to get Seven back, but Chakotay brought me back to the truth. I didn't want Seven, I didn't even want the Equinox. I wanted Ransom. He had to pay for making the choices that he did in the Delta Quadrant, he had to pay for making me judge, jury and executioner as well as witness to his actions and for showing me what I could become given a different set of circumstances. How did Aunt Martha put it? There, but for the grace of God, go I. Not that I believe in God, but more in the principles and protocols that I have embraced as the building blocks of humanity. He swore to embrace and uphold those same principles and protocols had violated them in the worst way _

_And I was going to make him pay._

_I can still hear the words in my head. How I remember them now is a mystery to me, because two days ago, I don't think I could have told you what Chakotay said if my life depended on it._

"_I don't blame you for being angry, but you can't compromise the safety of this ship to satisfy some personal vendetta."_

_But I wasn't paying attention. I don't believe how obsessed I was that the words:_

_"I'm going to hunt him down no matter how long it takes…no matter what the cost. If you want to call that a vendetta . . . go right ahead."_

_Had no effect on me. That at that point I couldn't stop and consider what that vendetta could cost me. It could cost me everything. It could cost me First Officer, my crew and my ship and any chance of ever getting home. And if I were doing it just to stop him from murdering innocents, it would be worth it, but I wasn't doing it just for that. I was doing it for the satisfaction of metering out judgement, pure and simple and in that, I was doomed to failure._

_Chakotay pitched his idea to contact the Ankari in writing, impersonally via Com. That was a clue of how bad things were getting and I picked up on it, but in the end, I swept it aside. The only thing on my agenda was finding the Equinox. And we found them and I began firing, to stop them or destroy them I don't know. But Ransom was slippery and he gave as good as he got. In the end, he decided to descend into a planet's atmosphere. I couldn't see that he wanted me to follow him. He read me like a book and he knew at that time that I was frothing at the mouth to get to him. So I did follow him. All I had to do was wait for him to come out, but I didn't want to take the chance of losing him and he was goading me, so I followed him in and I lost him_

_He got away from me, and he won and I lost it. I went over the edge at that point. It didn't matter what had to be sacrificed, I was going to stop Ransom. The senior officers on the bridge knew that I had crossed over when I ordered the ship into what had to be certain destruction. I see could it in Tom's face as he manoeuvred Voyager in the atmosphere, could hear it in Tuvok's and Harry's voices as they gave me the status of the ship's systems and finally in Chakotay's voice as he shouted trying to bring me to my senses. I didn't know at the time it was too late for that. I'm sure that he didn't know that either, but with what happened next, we both did._

_I had a consolation prize. I had Noah Lessing brought for interrogation and for that little stunt that Ransom played on me, I was going to get something out of Lessing one way or the other. I wanted Equinox tactical status now and I was going to get or_

"_Or what? You'll hit me?" That's what Lessing had asked me. And then I told him what I was going to do._

_He reminded me that what I was going to do was murder. I told him that from where I stood it was poetic justice. And I asked him again for the status. He told me_

"_No way in hell,"_

"_We all make our own hell, Mr. Lessing. I hope you enjoy yours." _

_Those were my words to him. Little did I know that in what I was attempting to do, I was making my own hell, just as sure as Ransom and every other crew member on the Equniox had been doing since that fateful decision to continue killing the life forms for fuel._

_I dropped the shields in the cargo bay where Lessing was and I waited for one of the aliens to attack. I was so sure that he would betray his Captain. That's what I wanted for Ransom's betrayal of me. I really didn't care about his tactical status, there were other ways of finding that out. I wanted Ransom to know what it felt like to be betrayed by one of your own. I don't know if I would have let the alien murder him just as surely as I don't know whether I would have been able to look at it as poetic justice or cold blooded murder, if he had died. But I didn't have to, thanks to my First Officer. He got Lessing out of there and we or I should say, he implemented his plan of contacting the Ankari from information he got out of Lessing._

_I reminded him of our first priority, and he reminded me that I had almost killed someone. In his mind I had made a bad call; an error in judgment, one that had the potential of not only haunting me for the rest of my life, but one that might actually lower the respect that the crew had for me. And one that would make me more like Ransom that I would have ever liked._

_I told him….I told him that I would make a note in my log. And **he** lost it at that point. He wasn't going to leave it as a note in my log, in this area of right and wrong, I had crossed the line with Lessing and he warned me that he wasn't going to let me do that again. And so the choice came and I had none. I relieved my first Officer of duty. I was the Captain and he had told me in no uncertain terms that he would stop me from asserting my rightful authority. There was nothing else that could be done for either one of us at that time._

_The question is what happens now?_

"_What has happened to you Kathryn?" _

_He asked me that, but I couldn't see anything else but Ransom at this point because in my pursuit to destroy him for what he had done, for **who** he was, I was becoming more and more like him._

_I told him that I was about to ask him the same question._

_What I was doing in my mind at the time was perfectly reasonable and I could not understand why Chakotay would risk his rank and our friendship and possibly his freedom by hinting that he would stage a mutiny over the way that I was dealing with Ransom._

_Chakotay left his insignia on the table as he headed to his quarters._

_We contacted the Ankari and I actually tractored them in order for them to talk to us. When they realized that we were a Federation vessel, they wanted to head in the other direction. I couldn't blame them, but we needed to get those attacks called off. They called their "spirits of good fortune" and I began to negotiate for a cease fire. The Spirits were adamant that they only wanted to the Equinox and no other terms would be considered besides the complete surrender of the vessel. I shocked Tuvok when I agreed; to the point that I almost had to relieve him of duty also._

_I didn't see what all the fuss was about, the aliens wanted what I wanted; the death of the Equinox._

_We found her, near a class two nebula and as I had her, she slipped away and began damaging Voyager, landing shots that went right through our shields. I found out later on that the EMH minus ethical subroutines from the Equinox had displaced our doctor and was giving the Equinox our shield modulations. We took heavy damage. Our weapons were offline and theirs were going through our shields like they weren't there. We could only take about three more hits and we would be history. But luck again was on my side and it came in the form of the great white whale that I was hunting. A message came from the Equinox with the surrender, but with one hitch. There had been a mutiny on the ship and Ransom was not in control of it anymore, Burke was. I couldn't believe it, but as I looked at him over the Com lines and in that instant he ceased being a monster to me. He looked like a regular Captain and as everything that we had been through and everything that I had done for the past couple of days flashed through my head in an instant, I began to wonder who the monster really was. I knew if I continued down this road I would be._

_I trusted him, and at the time that I gave the order for him to beam all his people back to Voyager, the entire bridge crew was confused. I had been gunning for his destruction up to this point and now I was allowing him to call the shots in his surrender. If I had allowed myself to turn around, I suppose I would have seen the relief on Tuvok's face. He and Chakotay are the only ones who knew how far gone I really was. Confusion gave way to relief on the bridge. The madness had gone on long enough._

_In the end, Ransom sacrificed his ship to ensure that the Aliens stopped attacking us and he went down with the Equinox. His first Officer and two other crew men were also lost. Before he piloted the ship to a safe distance he made a request of me, one that I had already seen being made once before, by myself. He asked me to get my crew and now the rest of his crew by extension home. I promised him I would do it and I promised myself that I would give them the opportunity as so many others had gotten on this ship, an opportunity to prove themselves and to atone for what they had done in this quadrant._

_I reinstated Chakotay and we began the slow work rebuilding. Not only the ship's systems, but the crew, it's morale and the relationship between the Captain and the First Officer._

_And that is when I saw it. The Voyager Inaugural Plaque had fallen down. With all of the battles that we have had in the last five years, it has never fallen. Not once; and there it was on the ground. I lost my best friend in the conference room but I found him on the bridge around that plaque….and I also found myself fully._

_When I was on the Equinox Bridge with Ransom and we had finished talking about the prime directive, Ransom found his inaugural plaque under a pile of rubble. I remember he gave the impression that the plaque was always falling during battle…..or maybe it fell a long time ago and he wasn't able to find it until now, I'm not sure. But I remember I told him that it was a good omen and I told him that I'd help him put it back where it belonged. _

_Maybe it was a good omen for him and even though he did sink a little further before turning around, maybe it was my helping him put the plaque where it belonged that helped him start putting himself where he belonged again. In the end that's what saved both of us and both our crews._

_And on our Bridge, after it was all over Chakotay told me he'd help me put Voyager's inaugural plaque back where it belonged._

_It was at that **moment** that I understood everything, at that moment the full extent of how **far** I had fallen came to me. It was a moment of painful clarity as all at once I understood everything that happened, all that I did and why we were…..why **I** was at the place where I found myself._

_That plaque, that **damn plaque**. On the Equinox, when I offered Ransom to help put it back to where it needed to be, it was a sign of hope; a sign that the Equinox could be restored to it's original glory. Maybe for Ransom it was a sign of the fact that the tides had to change. They had to change when he was exposed by another Federation Captain and judged, so that he would abandon his way of thinking which he had embraced for so long and find another way home… with the help of that other Captain….._

_But for me….._

_For me that plaque meant one thing. The ship is only as strong as the Captain and by extension the crew., Once the Captain falls the crew does and the ship bears the scars of that fall. The plaque cannot stand. I had fallen just as Ransom had. I had crossed the line, just as he did and even though my transgressions maybe arguably a lot less severe than his, the fact still remained that I had crossed._

_I had helped Ransom put his crew, his ship back together and he in turn helped me realize that I needed to do so. But I was luckier than Ransom in one respect. I had a First Officer who more than being my right hand, was my conscience. Who, at whatever cost to him, not only prevented me from making too reckless a choice, but who also prevented me from making a choice that would have decreased my humanity._

_Now that I saw Ransom at the end, I wonder whose decisions it was to continue the massacre of the aliens, Ransom's or Burke's. I also wonder how he thought he would get away with it when he got back home? How would he face the inquiry board? How would he make the whole crew keep silent about what they had done? How the crew themselves would live with the knowledge of what they had done once they were in Federation space and began to reclaim their humanity?_

_One thing I don't have to wonder about is what Chakotay would had done if I had proposed that we slaughter aliens for fuel to get ourselves back home a little faster. He would have asked me to drop him off at the nearest inhabitable planet. He would have no part in that. I would like to think that if I were a First Officer in Burke's place that I would do the same. That my obsession of getting home would not be worth hundreds of Alien lives._

_In the end, while it was Ransom who made me realize how far I had crossed over, it was Chakotay who helped me…who is helping me rebuild Voyager and its crew now. At first I was so ashamed about what I had done in that moment of clarity, that I almost relinquished the responsibility for helping rebuild crew morale. I wanted to hide and leave it all in his capable hands but Chakotay would not let me._

"_I can't do this alone Kathryn."_

_I watched him tonight. He disappeared with Tuvok and B'Elanna. He spoke to each member to the crew and in some cases was able to draw them out when they needed to be. Even the Equinox crew seems to hold him in high respect right now. More than I, but that is to be expected after what happened. But he will help them become part of this crew and whereas I had to promise myself to allow them to prove their worth to me, I know that he had to make no such promise, it flowed from him naturally. And I know that he is the one whom they would more than likely look to for healing their wounds and struggling to find peace and self-forgiveness for what they did. Looks like Gilmore already has._

_Yes he could he could rebuild Voyager' crew without me, but it wouldn't be the same. The senior officers and by extension the rest of the crew, would follow me only because he was and that was unacceptable even though given his support of me it would work. I am the Captain and in the end I am also responsible and I have a part to play in their well being. I have forgotten that twice before and I hope that I will never forget it again._

_-_

_-_

_So back to my original question. When was the point of no return? When I made the decision to try to coerce Lessing to betray Ransom? Something that I found out that Seven of Nine did not do even at the point of willing to die rather than to betray her Captain. When could I have stopped?_

_-_

_-_

_-_

_After thinking about it, it should have been when Chakotay pointed out my vendetta against Ransom. I should have stopped and seriously thought about it instead of adopting the policy of "the Captain is always right." That policy works for the rest of the crew, but I have already told Chakotay that he has earned the right to be my advisor and for me to **listen,** not just hear what he had to say. I think that if I did a little more listening and a little more recognizing of what my real motives were I would have been able to pull back before it was too late._

_-_

_-_

_-_

_What happens now?_

_Now** we** rebuild and I think I have an idea of how to do just that._


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay stood at the viewport as the recording finished its third continuous play.

When Kathryn woke him up at 03:00 hours to give him a log, he was surprised. He asked if it could wait until morning for him to review and she said that it could. As she turned to leave, he asked what was on it and she said a personal log. She told him that it was his to do with as he pleased, to keep it or delete it and with that she was gone.

That piqued his curiosity a little too much and decided that he would listen to it and then deal with it in the morning. At least then he would know what it was about and it would satiate his curiosity. It did that, but after the first hearing it put his thoughts and emotions in a tizzy.

He listened to it again and after the second hearing, he calmed down somewhat. After the third hearing he had made up his mind what to do, what he _needed_ to do.

"Computer what is the time?"

"06:00 hours."

His alarm came on right after.

* * *

In the morning he purposely went into the Mess Hall to have breakfast because he wanted to check on the Equinox crew. They didn't have any replicator rations yet and they would be eating all of their meals in the Mess Hall with everyone else and he was a little concerned about that.

He needn't be. Although they were sitting by themselves and there was noticeable space between them and everyone else in the Mess Hall at that time Tom, B'Elanna and Harry were sitting with them.

He came up to them. "Mind if I join you?"

"Go ahead Chakotay." Tom motioned to the seat next to him. The five seemed to be in shock over his casual acknowledgment of the Commander.

"We were just talking about some of the activities that we have here aboard Voyager. Noah just commented on how the party last night seemed to be something that the crew is accustomed to. It looked like we have parties like that all the time."

"Indeed sometimes it seems that's all this crew does during its off hours." Tuvok came up to them and B'Elanna drew up another table and chair for him to sit down on.

"Oh come on Tuvok, what do you want us to do during our off hours? It not as if we could take shore leave or even a tip somewhere."

"I would suggest meditation, it should calm some of your more exasperating impulses."

"Just to let you know that there is a running gag going between Paris and Tuvok, you might want to stay clear of them when they get like this." Harry's eyes twinkled and Marla giggled.

"Yeah, you don't want to get caught in the cross fire when Tuvok attempts to get even with me, although he eventually fails." Tom said in answer to Harry's comments.

"Firstly Ensign, I do not endeavor to get back at you, I merely point out your illogic of your own actions and that is what comes back to you as failure to meet your objectives. Secondly…..." Tuvok began.

"Are they at it again?" Seven of Nine came up with the Doctor.

"Morning Seven." B'Elanna greeted her.

"Good morning Lieutenant, Ensigns, Crewmen, Commander." Seven greeted everyone one at the table. The Senior Officers of Voyager's crew smiled. 'Good morning all' never seemed to make it into Seven's vocabulary.

"Seven, there you are. Try this morning's breakfast. It's a new recipe that I got from Crewman Morrow last night. I don't think that you'll find this 'pungent'" Neelix came up to them, talking a mile a minute.

"We shall see." Seven replied

"Well, try it." Neelix pulled up a chair and waited anxiously for the verdict. Seven put a small piece of breakfast in her mouth and tried it.

"What do you think?" Chakotay asked her. He found that it wasn't half bad.

"It is acceptable, Mr. Neelix."

"High praise." Harry clinked his coffee cup with the Talaxian's tea cup.

"Hey Doc, what are you doing here, you normally don't hang around the Mess Hall." Tom interjected.

"I had just finished giving Seven a physical and she mentioned that she was going to probably meet you in the Mess Hall. After all that has happened, I felt I needed to be around friends for a while.

The Equinox Five looked a little uncomfortable when he made that remark, but after a while, they began to look more confused as the Doc sat beaming at Seven and looking at the rest of the Senior Staff.

"You consider members of the crew, _friends_?" Morrow asked incredulously.

"But of course. You have friends, why shouldn't I?" The Doctor's trade mark sarcasm was back in full force as he looked pointedly at the rest of the former Equinox Crew

"But you're a……"

"Hologram. Yes I know, thank you for pointing that out to me Mr. Tassoni, I would have never guessed otherwise. I am a valuable member of Captain Janeway's crew and I'd like to think I've earned the right to be considered a friend to everyone sitting here. Captain Janeway has allowed me to expand my program and learn from my experiences and helped me to grow to be much better than I what I was programmed as when I was first activated on this ship."

"She has done that for all of us. I know for myself, Captain Janeway has helped me become an individual after being a drone for more than 18 years. It has not always been easy and once or twice I know that she may have been uncomfortable with my actions and disappointed in some of my decisions, but she has never given up on me nor turned her back on me. And I suspect it is the same for every member of the senior staff at this table, and I _know_ that it will be the same for all of you."

There was a period of silence during which Seven began her breakfast. They were all looking at her with different expressions on their faces as Chakotay noted. The Equinox Five were looking at her with hope on their faces. The rest of the senior officers were looking at her in shock, he included. In that one statement she had given the Equinox Five hope and summed up the power of Captain Janeway's leadership and the strength of Voyager. The people who make up its crew, and the woman who shepherded them all. No one at the table could have said anything better to allay the fears of the former Equinox crewmembers. And it came from the one person who had exasperated them all at one time or the other.

_Out of the mouths of babes_…..he mused

"Good morning everyone. May I join you?" Kathryn stood at the table as if she had just materialized there. But by the expression on her face, Chakotay knew that she had heard what Seven said and realized the effects of that statement on everyone at the table.

"Captain, it's good to see you. I see you only have a cup of coffee in your hand again. I'm going to get you some breakfast. It's very good today." Neelix hurried away with a big smile on his face.

"Captain," The voices of that greeted her were warm and of welcome but her acceptance into the party presented her a choice. There were two empty chairs. One in front of her where Neelix had just vacated and one at the other side of the table next to Chakotay. Making her decision, she walked around and took the seat next to her First Officer. Neither she nor Chakotay missed the smiles of relief as she did so. Chakotay's smile danced on his face as he looked at her.

"Morning Captain, slept well last night?"

"Not really, I had a report that I was working on until 03:00 hours."

"Well this should help." Neelix put down a pot of coffee as well as breakfast in front of her.

"Compliments of the kitchen. You can take the coffee to the Bridge with you when you go."

"Now then, what were you talking about?"

"We were talking about how our ship can be termed the life of the Delta Quadrant with the amount of parties that we have." Tom responded to Kathryn's question

"Well we do tend to do our fair share of celebrating. But it's important, does wonders for morale." She replied.

"That's what I always say." Neelix chimed in from the other end of the table having taken his original seat.

"True, but given this crew's need for morale boosters and exploration, I wonder if we will get to Earth anytime soon." Seven chimed in.

"We'll get there Seven, of that I have every confidence." Tuvok was the one who answered for the other officers. The others nodded to show their acceptance of what we had said.

_The time is 07:15. _The com channel above them said softly. The Equinox crew got up.

"We have to be at Deuterium maintenance in 15 mins. Please excuse us Captain."

"Quite" Janeway gave her reply with a small smile. And with that they were gone.

"I hope that they do not have too hard a time fitting in with this crew because of what they have done" Neelix said softly

"If there's one thing I've learnt is that being on Voyager can turn your life around, no matter what you have done. They'll be fine Neelix." Tom said it off handedly, and continued to eat his breakfast.

The rest of the senior staff followed suit and ate in silence each in their own thoughts, but as Kathryn noted the silence wasn't uneasy. It wasn't comfortable as she was used to enjoying with Chakotay and even with Tuvok, it was just there, facilitating both a physical and emotional digestion process.

* * *

"Come."

Chakotay entered and placed the PADD on the desk and at once Kathryn knew what was on it. She knew it contained the log entry that she had given him the night before. She stood behind her desk and looked at him dead in the eyes. If judgment was going to be passed, she was going to face like the Captain, like the human that she had always been. Chakotay's eyes never left hers as he said.

"Computer, access Kathryn Janeway's person log on PAD 4765- alpha"

'Accessed"

"Computer delete log authorization Chakotay, one four seven gamma"

"Log deleted"

Kathryn's smile was large and it met Chakotay's.

"Was there anything else Commander?"

"Actually, yes. I had some ideas for the Equinox crew going forward and wanted to discuss it with you."

Chakotay came around to the Computer terminal behind Kathryn's desk. He steadied himself by resting his hand on the back of the Captain's chair just before changing her computer to another screen of information. He didn't need to and Kathryn didn't miss the message that he was conveying with his body.

_Sometimes it was easy as that_ …….Kathryn reflected.

The end

Part16: Family


End file.
